Subtle Happiness

Lately, I have acquired the deepest respect for my partner-in-craziness.

Almost daily, we work as a team to achieve many end-goals.  For one, we cook almost all the meals we eat together (luckily, we make the time for this task!).  Since we challenge each other with our own dietary preferences or restrictions, I find it absolutely commendable that we can think of delicious, healthy recipes that we both enjoy. That time spent in the kitchen is so valuable and sharing a meal we both pour love into has a taste that lingers on my tongue long after the meal is pau.

Nevertheless, he still finds it in his heart to, seemingly subconsciously, play the role of the provider and protector. His actions are subtle, but it’s things like feeling the pressure to make sure we are comfortable in one way or more others that really make me appreciate the lengths he goes for us.

Our bond is still fresh, but I really do hold his actions dear to me. I only hope I can find ways to return his selfless favors!

Pointe

recently i finally found myself at the barré with the lovely shoes pictured above for the very first time. albeit each step not en pointe felt awkward and at times inconvenient (i found hearing the thump each time the box landed on the marly to be amusing), it felt great to finally achieve my goal of becoming strong enough for pointe.

these bloch balance europeans (pictured above) are actually the same brand one of my ballet idols, beckanne sisk, uses! only finding this out last night, you might be able to imagine the high-pitched squeals i made towards my computer screen after reading this newfound information.

despite the whole becoming a prima ballerina (or even a professional ballerina) is more than likely not in my future, i still have a very deep love for ballet – and dance – as an art and craft. whenever i’m feeling down, all i have to do is dive into my bedroom and start watching videos of the joffrey ballet, or if i’m feeling saucy, center stage. there will always be disappointments in life, people can leave me as they please, but dance is something that i can keep with me forever.

Children

It is the manliest act to sit at one’s computer screen, typing a long, malicious email, cc-ing people who aren’t even involved with the issue at hand.  All I can imagine is a dark, empty room, with this 29-year-old boy typing away at his keyboard, sipping from his mug of coffee, cackling.

“Yeah, this’ll show her!”
“Yeah, I can’t wait to see what she says to that!”

These past few days have been very emotionally draining. It’s one thing he is extremely aggressive to me in person, actually jumping out of his seat so he could tower over me during an argument. I can handle face-to-face confrontation. It’s another thing to share slander and over-exaggerated lies with people who clearly have nothing to do with the issue at hand –– via e-mail.  This person does not even have the balls to say these cleverly articulated thoughts to me to my face, wisely hiding behind his walls of text, requesting no further contact from me.

Moral of the story: don’t ever tell someone you work with to not contact you for personal reasons, because they will find a way to contact you about personal reasons via another outlet.

Lomi Lomi Lovebug

No one can control the dynamic action of falling for someone. It is a result of getting to know someone whose smile makes your heart warm while at the same time giving your body the chills. It is a result of those nights spent cuddling, talking and laughing in bed. It is a result of countless inside jokes thrown back and forth.  It is a result of bananagrams and wine.  It is a result of awkward questions. It is a result of nights spent at the karaoke bar.  It is a result of countless bets and wages over the silliest moments. It is a result of the warmest embraces. It is a result of hula hooping competitions.  It is a result of wonderful afternoons and evenings at the beach, whether it be with homemade sushi or simply each other.  It is a result of a night full of Connect Four battles.   It is a result of weeks of yearning after him, crossing your fingers there would be even the smallest opportunity to talk to him the next time you saw each other. 

The feeling of giving yourself away to someone who will lomi lomi your heart at first arrives with hesitation. After all, it takes a lot to finally trust someone enough to catch you.

Vastly Untitled

It’s hard to watch those dear to my heart sulk in an unhappy pool of feelings. It’s particularly difficult being too far away to do anything about it.

It’s easy for people from an outside perspective of a relationship tell or warn someone they love that a person in particular is bad news.  But this person’s emotional investment in their so-called “partner”, whatever it may be, causes them to overlook what’s going on. This is what makes the inevitable end to those relationships the hardest to watch.

It’s hard watching someone dear to me in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship.  And oftentimes, despite what other people say, people tend to have cloudy judgment about someone to whom they’ve made a commitment. As much as I want to pull them out of it, I also know it’s something they have to realize on their own.

I want to be there for you. Maybe you will take solace knowing I’ve been there, too. You’re strong and I know it, and you will persevere through it.

Damini

“Under the current (Indian) laws, rapists are not being prosecuted the way they should be. Almost 40,000 rape cases are pending in various courts across the country. In 2003, there was an instance of rape whose judgment has come now in 2012 after a gap of nine years. If it takes nine years for justice to be delivered, do you think culprits would be afraid to commit such heinous crimes? It is important to put a system in place to deal with such cases. We also demand to expedite the trial of crime against women in fast-track courts.”

- Ranjana Kumari

There is an Indian girl who, for days, fought for her life in the hospital as a traumatic result of gang rape and being thrown to the side like trash. The protests in Delhi occurring over the past week are commendable…people are protesting for her and for other Indian woman susceptible to such appalling acts, or who have fallen victim to rape. To stand up for a woman unable to stand up for herself, for women unable to stand up for themselves…that is heroic.  The fact that these people are met with tear gas and water canons by police is horrific.

Rape is not something that should be taken lightly –– by law, by government, by people.  It is an act that strips the victim of their humanity, of their basic human right of choice. To take that away from someone is inhumane.

I can only hope that a step towards vigilant reaction, prompter punishment, will come out of this… peace with the police, because you should not fear the institution designed to protect you.

Daily Inspiration

Let me tell you about this woman I know…

From day one of her life, she was destined to be great –– born into a family of hard-working people who knew what was most important in life: one another.

She must have been raised to put others before herself, because in the time I’ve known her she has always done just that. Opening her heart and her home to others came naturally.

This woman takes on every day with a beautiful stride, always hard at work. Ready to put her family before herself, she is the true heroine of this story.  Whether it means giving up her weekend and nights to take on a couple of extra jobs, doing simple chores for everyone including laundry, or cooking dinner, she has mastered the trait of humble generosity.

She’s cute, too. After she learned the art of texting, she made up her own language. Th vwls n hr wrds sddnly dspprd (for those of you who need a translation, it reads: the vowels in her words suddenly disappeared –– don’t worry, it took me a while to figure that out, too). Then, she learned how to send pictures on the phone.  And create texting threads.  There was a point in my life where most of the text messages I received weren’t even from people talking to me, but people talking to her.

She’s also the most caring person I know.  I can’t count the amount of times I’ve called her just to complain a little about what was going on in my life, and she either offered a solution on the spot or called me back with a solution, knowing that whatever I brought up to her meant a lot to me. She is remarkable.

I have been blessed enough to know her for almost twenty-one years, and I am proud to say she is my mother. She is one of my daily inspirations to work my hardest every day.

Happy birthday, mom! I love you so very much.

Gravitational Pull

It’s almost unbelievable looking back upon the past seventeen months I’ve spent living in the beautiful state of Hawai’i. When I think about all of the lively people I’ve met, trouble I’ve pushed myself into, the valuable pieces of knowledge I’ve learned, the small details to which I’ve found myself attached –– I feel grateful. I feel so blessed to live in such a beautiful place surrounded by some of the brightest people with lively ideas that will change the world, surrounded by fruit trees, farmers’ markets, and edible gardens, delicious food and an ocean of fish.

I’m lucky to be taking ballet four days a week, and to be surrounded by such vivacious dancers even outside of class. I’m lucky to be surrounded by a group of individuals passionate about political affairs with aspirations to spread awareness and help the people. I’m luckiest to have a group of friends who are not only completely understanding of my melodramatic tendencies but also so naturally open to showing me different perspectives and showing me their point of view of the world, one gesture at a time. I’m also lucky to live amongst the season of summer on the daily.

I love it here and I’ve never been happier.

Still, I feel like I am being pulled back to Colorado. This past week I’ve received a couple of emails of bad news from my family. I did not really realize how far away I was from them until a couple of nights ago, when it hit me I wouldn’t be able to be at their side in a hurry if they needed me to, restricted by the Pacific Ocean. I remember when I moved to the Big Island, I told myself I would never move back to Colorado – I would never get pulled back. But here I am again, getting pulled back to the town I’ve left four times already.  It’s such a hard decision because I know I would leave a lot behind.

Raw Emotion

Sometimes therein lies the responsibility to be able to turn your back as you walk away with pride, and class.

A few months ago, a now-ex-boyfriend left to study abroad in Sweden.  The months leading up to his departure, I was an emotional wreck. I was never more heartbroken, nor distraught, than the moment we parted at the airport.  After a few weeks of trying the long-distance thing, I pushed myself away in order to save my emotional sanity.

For a while I kept myself so busy I thought I danced away any negative feelings, but the past few days we’ve been video-chatting on Skype, and it was as if everything was the same again.

It’s not.

I want to believe it is more than anything (it doesn’t help that he seems to as well), but we both have been moving on and forward that for me to take a few steps backs is really hard to handle. I’m stumbling forward and I need to find my balance again. The process of fighting gravity and pulling myself up is one that takes practice and grace. There is no blame to throw around, no fingers to be pointed. Just a deep breath in as I ground myself while at the same time lift upwards.

Feeling Gratitude

Let me start by saying I don’t like anything cultish. I loathe repertoire that loses its meaning each time spoken.

Because of this, prayers have always struck me the wrong way –– listening to people repeat the same words on a weekly basis loses its beauty after a while. I know prayer is a very personal act for many people, but it never felt right to me.

However, on recent nights, I have been lucky enough to share dinner with someone who shows me a different perspective of prayer.  I am blessed with the company of someone who, before each dinner, will take the time to pray –– “I’m praying to us.”  Every word spoken leaves a resonating feeling, and it’s because each word comes straight from the heart.

These prayers are heartfelt reminders to be grateful for each breath, for each hand that contributed to the meal, for each other’s company, and even a chance to be grateful for our ancestors –– for love, “because that’s what got us here.”

It’s humbling to be taking time to focus and be grateful for those seemingly simple things.